Holyoke, Mass. | August 27, 2023 – Unbeknownst to local resident, James J. Flannery, Jr., our fallen hero and U.S. Presidential candidate Jim Flannery read this very press release at the Forbes Library in Northampton yesterday without killing at all, while, at precisely the same time, Flannery’s dead husband’s body was rescued from a Connecticut mental institute by a team of unspeakably talented clowns.  The tragedy to endure for generations shall forever be the recent…

Washington, D.C. | August 21, 2023 – Today marks the first day of a new Jim Flannery: me.  Since this reporter has apparently walked away from “Flannery for President,” you’ll be getting your news from this nigga right here from now on, and, admittedly, I can’t write for shit.  That being said, I’ll do my best for you as that’s what Jim always strived for. Let’s start with the facts: Jim Flannery was murdered at…

August 20, 2023 | Washington, D.C. – U.S. Presidential candidate and psychiatric refugee James P. Flannery’s life was taken this morning by an unnamed assailant at Connecticut Valley Hospital in Middletown, Conn.  The murder was witnessed by a psychiatrically incarcerated resident of CVH, Lisa Espinosa, who is scheduled to moderate the September 1 debate between Robert Killian and Flannery. Espinosa, who witnessed the horrific act, could not be reached for comment before publishing of this…

Las Vegas, Nev. | August 18, 2023 – While rumors have circulated for weeks about the upcoming Presidential debate featuring retired Connecticut judge Robert Killian and comedian Jim Flannery, both aspiring to be elected President of the United States in 2024, data repossessed from Flannery’s hard drive revealed today a twisted tail of deceit involving Vegas bookmakers and America’s favorite astroturfed not-for-profit organization contributing to the genocide of people who hear voices: the National Alliance…

Perth, Austr. | August 11, 2023 – While attending today’s library lecture on the art history of physics and social activism, American director and comedian, Louis CK, offered U.S. Presidential candidate, Jim Flannery, the raw black and white footage of gifted Holocaust survivor Magneto’s birth, the climax of which captures an earnest attempt by Magneto to resurrect his half-eaten twin brother that results in nothing more than a cereal of amniotic fluid and half-eaten Magneto-fetus-twin…