FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Texas Falls to Flannery’s Feat(s)
New York Remains a Land of Confusion
Austin, Tx. | July 21, 2023 – Whether as an act of clown-coordinated error correction or a rationally designed buffoonery bug fix, U.S. Presidential candidate and psychiatric refugee Jim Flannery managed to chisel his name onto the Texas ballot for the 2024 General Election through the assistance of time-dependent quantum mechanics originating from New York’s preferred time zone(s). While no filing fee was required of Flannery, Austin locals are left wondering why the candidate filing petition included not a single signature from any Austin residents.
“I swear to fucking God, I did not submit a list of New York residents to Texas, okay? Whoever is telling you this bullshit ‘ought to just quit comparing me to that cunt Donald Trump because as has been stated before, that nigga ain’t even allowed to run again since he believes he’s currently serving his second term in office. That being said, fine, I’ll conceded that perhaps I accidently brought the hundred thousand plus signatures to New York back in June and fucked up the fourfecta we were going for on the ninth,” explained Flannery.
Texas marks Flannery’s seventh state and while he may or may not have pleased the residents of the Lone Star State, he sure hasn’t satisfied his electors in New York who are still waiting for him to knock on their door to trade a joke for a smoke while subjugating them into purchasing one of Uncle Jimmy’s War Bonds.
“Are we not moving fast enough for you? What the fuck is the matter with your audience? Are they seriously not satisfied with this fucking circus? Maybe if someone didn’t require us to deliver the fucking things in goddamned pizza boxes, it might be easier to pay attention to what state’s name is written on the paperwork and this would have gotten done last month,” Flannery offered as a means to clear up the confusion before removing any remaining impurities from his failure to perform, “Jesus, I mean, we’ll get New York eventually, it’s not that I’m scared to go there, if I were too scared, I wouldn’t have gone there in June or been campaigning at Trump’s skating rink this past winter. Seriously, whatever happened there in 2021 with the police was a mistake, it’s safe as fuck for me to be there, just forget anything I ever said about anyone trying to kill me in New York.”
Truthfully, this reporter hasn’t forgotten a fucking thing about what did or did not happen in New York nor her apathy toward anyone’s judgment for her coming back to write for this ass hole; she’s just disappointed that Flannery can’t seem to close the fucking deal in New York without a blessing from a blind priest(ess) even though she’d be more than happy to provide Michelangelo pizza box(es) for the signatures.
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