FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Flannery’s Fundraising Reaches New Lows
Risks Abandoning Irish Golf Greatness for Montréal Glory Holes
Montréal, Québ. | June 7, 2023 – American psychiatric refugee and candidate for the U.S. Presidency, Jim Flannery, manipulated reason and rationality once again by opening a donation-based glory hole on St. Catherine Street in downtown Montréal despite being pursued by Québec provincial authorities for questioning related to the sale of a gambling voucher involving Flannery winning the 2024 U.S. Presidential Election to Canadian astronaut, Guy Laliberté. While it’s still early in the day, one must assume at least one participant will ostensibly leave covered in clown lipstick.
One of the male participants who claimed to be a seasoned glory-hole connoisseur shared that they heard Flannery gurgle, “I may or may not be able to sell you some election rigging too,” before walking away satisfied and confused, notably, without donating. While nobody claims to have actually seen Flannery, one presumes that he is in fact the candidate behind what locals are calling the “Junk Tank” given the presence of what one could only assume to be Flannery’s pitching wedge, suitcase, and umbrella, all of which remained untouched amidst the lucrative social justice demonstration.
Despite Flannery’s advocacy toward freedom of bodily autonomy being exhibited to such excess, the sex workers of Montréal were reluctant to support his effort as Flannery’s advocacy backfired, reportedly depleting their revenues. Flannery, quick to troubleshoot a provincial emergency for a good cause, offered to invite U.S. at-risk voice-hearers who also believe Flannery may or may not be the next President of those United States to immigrate to Canada as fellow psychiatric refugees in exchange for the safe passage of the starving Québec prostitutes to the U.S. as refugees suffering from the community-destroying effects of Jim Flannery’s clowntastic mouth. The collection of Québec prostitutes declined, Flannery repented, and offered instead to exchange his day’s earnings for cigarettes and cannabis, satisfying his desire to humiliate himself in earnest while protesting the inaccessibility of such products throughout Montréal at the same time. Flannery then resumed his Irish golf game in progress.
Adding to his recent expulsion from a Niagara Falls casino this past weekend, there’s no telling how Flannery will continue to fund his ambitious bid for the U.S. presidency from his new home in Canada. This reporter is undoubtedly exhausted from wondering why Flannery can’t just sell enough election rigging to sustain himself through this political marathon instead of participating in high-risk clown acts to prove himself worthy.
Flannery, quick to distract one’s attention from the existence of election rigging being sold on his website or how his campaign is even legitimate at all since he’s not on the Federal Elections Commission’s pay-to-play roster, toe-tapped and finger-snapped his way into an invisible corner that he then proceeded to back-flip off by reminding his friends in the U.S. that he will persist in annoying the public at large until the day his ashes are laid to rest at the Connecticut Valley Hospital Cemetery in Middletown, Connecticut, “There’s always student loans for clown school and let’s just see who finishes fifth, seventh, ninth, and twelfth at the Canadian Open in Etobicoke this week and we’ll find out whether this campaign for Irish golf greatness has enough cash on hand to continue. Don’t forget, one mustn’t be physically in the United States to run paid advertisements on all these United States-based digital platforms; SnapChat, facebook, twitter, Instagram, Spotify, reddit, TikTok, Google AdWords, goddamned LinkedIn, even FetLife – they all have self-serve paid advertising platforms open to any clown. I’m sorry but you simply cannot escape the suffocating clench of American capitalism or this nigga right here. So just place your bets and make them presidential in magnitude, cause an annoying clown with an alleged mental disability beats a fucking ass hole or a coward every day of the week.”
Forgivably, Flannery bowed his head in acknowledgment that his last wish may never be realized as he’ll likely need to find a Canadian destination for his ashes instead.
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