FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
“Flannery for President” Receives God’s Endorsement
Christ the King Parish Invests in War Bonds
Wethersfield, Conn. | July 22, 2023 – Rev. James Patrick Sebastian Flannery exorcised the Christ the King Parish into purchasing war bonds following today’s vigil mass service at the Church of the Incarnation. The transaction appears to be the first tangible evidence of a deliberate effort by the catholic church to elect Flannery to the Office of the President in the 2024 United States General Election, an effort Flannery insists is in direct violation of the honor and respect of the American people.
“Since when did it become fashionable for the Church to openly endorse politicians? Quite frankly, I’m disgusted,” Flannery thankfully at least mentioned before annoying this reporter with requests to remind readers that Uncle Jimmy’s War Bonds are completely unrelated to his Presidential campaign, bear seven percent interest annually for seven years, and are available on his website at jim-flannery.com
While most parishioners would prefer Flannery be elected without inviting the Security Exchange Commission into their house of worship, they collectively extended their gratitude to Flannery through prayer for his not disrupting their final vigil service of the 7-7-7 holiday to call them all a bunch of liars or dumbfucks, and even offered their unconditional forgiveness regarding the seven dollars Flannery did or did not steal from the collection basket.
As for Flannery’s declaration to the Wethersfield Police Department regarding the details about what did or did not happen during a fucking reconciliation sacrament today: this reporter simply refuses to write about it, despite any suggestion that “the power of Christ” could possibly compel me to do so during the most significant religious holiday of the decade. Just please know, Jim, if you even read any of this at all, that, yes, “I’ve done worse for less” too even if I’ve never been asked to “drop the umbrella”.
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