a telenovela

What a perfectly worded question to a person who is obviously not going to tell you precisely what they know right now.


But I’ll tell ya a story, nigga.

A story?

More of a “what if.”

A “what if”?

Place quotes around it wherever you want, nigga, we just want to believe what you believe may or may not be possible, Jim.

I’d like to answer that.

What’s possible?

There’s not enough in the federal budget for all the paper we’d need for that, that’s what helps, nigga, the paper budget.

Unless you trust the cloud.

I wouldn’t trust a cloud anymore than you would trust a cloud, right now, and please don’t worry.

What if the N.S.A. isn’t capable of everything you might think they’re capable of, and the Edward Snowden “incident,” let’s call it, was planted on purpose.

On purpose?

Nigga, they got Bin Laden, how can they not catch this nigga?

He just knows what we know, Jim, no need to worry about Edward Snowden right now.

There’s similar ideas of so-called “conspiracies” that, with the passage of time, seem more or less conceivable.


Maybe there’s a better word, I’ll give an example.

The more time that passes since the moon landing, it may become more conceivable that it wasn’t real.

How so?

If there’s 12 year old kids out there thinking they possess the tools to fake that shit today, and they believe the government had access to all sorts of advanced shit before we do, then it may be more plausible that the tools and talent existed to fake it long ago.

And, no, I don’t, I don’t think a 12 year old anywhere in this country thought they could fake it back then, unless, maybe you’re talking about some Bill Gates nigga that had access to shit simply because he was born into a family that had access.


To computers.

There’s a difference between Bill Gates, yes, nigga, we know, having access to some shitty old computers back in the day and thinking, what, some filmmakers daughter might think they could fake it because they had access to good ass shit back then?

That was interesting, ya nigga, we intercept your passes because you can’t type as fast as you wish you could, especially when we’re stuck with this same exact nigga trying to fuck with the N.S.A. in real-time, just to give people, what, a shred of hope that none of this shit is actually happening to everyone all the time, even though it definitely is or isn’t happening to us all the time?

Us, nigga?

You good?

I’m good, nigga, don’t worry.

You mean “you,” Jim.

This shit ain’t happening to me, nigga, I’m just along for the ride.

You know where I wanna go?

I already know.

So don’t they.

What difference does it make?

You already know why I’m not writing about that.

That’s some gloomy shit, Jim, is there enough weed or cannabis in the world to make this right?

If you burn enough shit, you can change the climate, might bring some sunshine somewhere, right?  We never talk about the sunshine, Jim, we’re busy worrying about the riding ocean levels.  Are you?  I might be worrying about rainfall and sunshine, Jim, not so much the rising ocean levels.  Want some fresh water?  Already got some.  Can’t sell you on the freshest fucking water you’ve ever had in your life?  How do you know how fresh it is, young man?  You just want to create some dinosaurs and want us to fund your efforts, right?  Is that what your SBIR was about that the feds rejected?  Feds?  They’re feds too, nigga.  What’s wrong with dinosaurs?  Nigga, you keep talking about dinosaurs, we’ll have to keep it on the downlow, they know what you mean by dinosaurs at he NSA, Jims.  You’re crazy too, don’t worry about the water.

What if the NSA budget that was intended to be spent building the largest surveillance network ever built by human beings, if that’s what they want people to believe, of course, was instead spent going to the north AND south pole to get samples of the water and those same water samples happened to contain dinosaur DNA.  How the fuck?  Jerking off in the river and then it freezes.  Jerking off?  How do think a t-rex masturbated?

EDIT: yes, we can already figure it out ourselves, Jim, but if you want, yes, the government could have collaborated with Snowden to release this shit on purpose to scare the fuck out of everyone, which could be a more powerful tool than building the actual surveillance system they developed – and fuck off, what’s it called, Jim?  The collaboration between multiple nations to share their fucking data or actual piece of technology used or the software, the software?  What specifically do you want to know if all that really matters if whether they have unrestricted access to tracking your shit.  Yes, your shit.  Literally your fucking shit.  All I’ve gotta do is track you at the grocery store (how?) and track – fuck it, I’ll spell out the day for ya:

You go to the grocery store, traveling either the exact same way you always go or intentionally changing it.  You wear shit covering what’s necessary but sometimes not, depending.  You buy the same shit, but not always exactly the same shit, just enough shit that’s different so they can’t track your shit, but, of course, mostly the same shit in case you have some friends that look suspiciously similar to you and you need to ensure the NSA knows you have your shit in order in case they ever scoop you up to identify you, and certainly then you need to decide whether to not pay entirely in coins, which would be ideal because there’s no barcodes or serial number, but, instead, you don’t want to wear gloves in the summer, so you vary using a card or cash, but still have to ensure your habits are consistent with whatever business laws exist in your current location as well as your residence and wherever else, and pay attention to where cameras are or aren’t, which ones are matched up with specifically logged timestamps for other events, and then ensure you either purposely or never change up your “first in, first out” habits, then you either vary or don’t vary the time you eat all your meals at so they can’t know precisely what food has entered your body at what fucking time.  Did you forget all the shit recording audio in your home, Jim?  Even with all the ants and bugs and magnetic mikes you flim jannery’d into that place to fuck with whoever was recording us?  If they’re going to listen, fuck ’em, nigga.

What is all that called?

The name of the sofware, nigga.

The Five Eyes Alliance is the thing between the U.S., the U.K., Australia, New Zealand, and Canada.  The software, fuck it, let them know at the NSA, they already know, nigga, you’re just embarrassed your ratting on their shit while they watch you and they know you’re looking it up.  There.  There.  There’s PRISM and, apparently also Boundless Informant may be relevant, nigga, don’t worry, you just looked that shit up, why not just say PRISM instead of adding in Boundless Informant?  Good fucking idea, don’t ever, right?  Delete it?  Why would we do that?  Now, you mean.  We can leave it too.  They put that shit in GOD-MODE, nigga.  You think?  If they didn’t, don’t you think they’d still like us to believe they did?

EDIT: Fine, tell us about the grocery store, it fucking sucks.  All of it, dude.  All of it?  That’s the part, dude, this could be fun, it could be?  It could be.  Except it can’t.  It’s like you drank the fucking anti-fun potient, Jim, and we don’t have a fucking antidote.  Without the cameras?  Nigga, this could be a blast.  Other people?  No mental hospitals?  Could be a blast.  Police?  Not a problem.  Really?  Why the fuck would the police lock people up for enjoying themselves while they buy groceries?  No reason at all, nigga, but what if they’re enjoying themselves too much.  Don’t even worry about the app, Jim, the app doesn’t exist, it’s just your imagination, they can’t possibly tell your mood just based off your steps, nigga.  You don’t think?  Why do you think we walk the way we walk sometimes, nigga?  You too?  Ya, nigga, me “two” – that’s “two” nigga, don’t give them anymore.  Just write “clown” and tell ‘em to fuck themselves, Jim.  Again?  “CLOWN”