a telenovela

Well, we’re really sticking our nuts out here, aren’t we, Jim.

Just put it here now that you fully intend on releasing a photo of your birth certificate right alongside all your taxes and shit all over this thing right here and now.

OK, that’s great.

I was more interested in hearing about the Birthday Loophole, too, Jim, so just stop trying to damned hard to be entertaining at the same time – as if we ever wanted that – so that we, what?  Do something about these fucking things?  Is that it?  Well, even the President can’t just do whatever they want, unless, of course that’s exactly what you want, and trust me, you don’t want that.  Well now we have to trust someone?  Might be easier to trust someone’s not doing something than to rely on them to do something, especially when they are making empty promises, but there’s nothing empty about a promise to do nothing instead of something, let’s just write about military intervention after this ::cough:: Constitutional amendment ::cough:: that may or may not need to ever be written you stupid fucking idiot this is why we’re not there with you right now.

Well, damn, guess we’ll just get out the next President’s lab notebook and take a look – ya, and it might hurt a little less than when Middlesex ripped you a new one – perhaps, especially now that I’ve got an actual calendar to work with – as if there’s a fucking calendar anywhere in this place, dude, you can’t keep track of shit.  I kept track of your shoes last night.  Who’s shoes, Jim?  Our shoes, all of our shoes, I can’t them, by the way.

Example Winning Conception Date: approx. 6/17/1985 (Newport, RI)

Example Winning Birthdate: 3/17/1986 (Hartford, CT)

35 “years of age”: 6/17/2020 OR 3/17/2021 (According to whom?)

The dates fluctuate slightly from presidential election to presidential election (or other elections, don’t we suppose too at this point, Jim?), but essentially this unlucky motherfucker just happened to land a birth date that was in an uncomfortable intersection of birth dates.  So, if you are this unlucky motherfucker and also happen to know that the left has been playing pseudoscience (and maybe justifiably so) to have the right to abortion, it may bother you to write any of this at all, because you may also think women deserve their natural right to be able to have abortions under any circumstance whatsoever, don’t you, Jim, and since we already know where we’re going with this, yes, we all agree, just say we should change the wording of the Constitution so that accidents like this don’t happen where any old ass hole can realize that they can cause some kind of religious upheaval by saying merely by electing them it will force the meaning of a phrase to, what, “snap into place” almost permanently, one might also say too, dumbfuck, but you already know the problem with all this anyways, so what the fuck?

I guess it’s better to just write it out: “WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO CHANGE IT TO?  A PHRASE THAT EMPHASIZES ACTUAL BIRTH OR CONCEPTION, JIM?”  I guess that’s where you want us to say, “leave that to the professionals,” or, better yet, “What about forced psychiatric drugging, Jim?” “Yes, Jim, we’re all just waiting for a good enough writer to put this fucking thing in words that nobody can hack around like an ass hole punting the fucking Constitution like it’s an arcade game.”  Well, then, why don’t you find a way to convince everyone that obviously life begins at conception and stop trying to pretend like it doesn’t and ruining the credibility of scientists when things are already so fucking bad that they are ignorantly fucking with our heads when they don’t even have a clue how voicehearing works?  Maybe if we can get ¾ on board with an idea here and now, Jim, we might be ok.  So what can we say, you already know, “Just put fucking ‘birth day’ instead of ‘years of age’ and let all the cesarean sections slide through, am I right?” I though that was a pretty good pun, but, seriously, what the fuck?

And we’re still talking about this, this fucking thing, “neither shall any person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty five Years” – yes – so, now what?

Do we change the whole phrasing? Cause while we’re at it, life expectancy may have changed along the way – oh please, you didn’t – I’m just saying, what the fuck, Jim?  All I’m saying, is that if I was born, that’s a good word, born, on March 17 then it’s impossible for me to not be older than that on my date of birth, so can’t we plug in “date of birth” in there somewhere so prevent asshats like me from even having ideas worth sharing with the Illuminati?  The fucking Illuminati Defense, Jim?  Please, oh please tell me they weren’t meeting with you in Costa Rica when you decided to do all this – as if this was started in Costa Rica?  Well, what the fuck happened that we’re moving on from this?

Wanna find out if you missed the game last election?  If you’re answering YES for both Election Day and Inauguration Day (according to some) and NO for both (according to some others) – you might win a prize.  And if you want to play this particular game in 2024/2025, I guess, go fuck yourself.

11/3/2020 – Election Day   (35 or not according to whom?)   YES | NO

1/20/2021 – Inauguration Day   (35 or not according to whom?)   YES | NO

Don’t you think it’s a problem that someone can do that?  And don’t you think if words have any meaning, that this little loophole could be sewed up?  And don’t you think somewhere on this fucking globe there is someone clever enough to write this shit without leaving their fly unzipped?

All you had to say is that the mere initiation of a process to create a constitutional amendment to sew up the loophole would create said upheaval even if everyone agrees the damn thing should have been changed to something else a long time ago, in fact, you must just be digging up the “wars of our fathers” as you so eloquently hack from Puddle of Mudd’s lyricist or whatever the fuck, and that’s why, Jim, we don’t appreciate at all that you’re still writing this shit because we know you tried to contact the fucking Illuminatti during the last election “just in case” – what the fuck does “just in case” mean in quotes in the middle of a nonquote, Jim?  What the fuck… so are we supposed to end this being all fired up to change the Constitution, because this may be the most interesting thing that I want to take absolutely no action about whatsoever in my entire life.  So thanks for all the junk food, Jim, and, yes, maybe someone will or needs to drug you to keep you from writing shit like this publicly, but if the NSA hasn’t made any calls to have you locked up by now, then we can all figure out why we’re all in your pockets in right now, Jim, you ass hole for not writing cocksucker cause it’s just too good of a damn word to give it up to its actual meaning, and, you know, there’s probably other languages, of course, and other people, yep, and what if we’re causing harm to them, for fuck’s sake, Jim, but we’re talking about FOREVER, ya, nigga, we get it too.

Fine: “who shall not have attained 35 years past their date of departure from the vessel supporting their fetal development,” (can’t someone have Carlone write this kind of shit?) that should cover the c-sections as well as the undocumented orphans in San Diego, shall it not?  I don’t think we should use the phrase “shall it not” any more than we should have mentioned the orphans being “undocumented” but since you weren’t certain whether to put “of” or “in” San Diego, not that it doesn’t help, but let’s just leave it at this so people don’t start knowing you’re crazy for making a 1000+ word post about the Birthday Loophole without showing the exact range of dates.  OK, let’s just tell them it’s an intersection and see if they solve this crossword puzzle before the hearing-impaired people can solve the Irish Golf Deal.  You bet, we’ll see if it shows up on Reddit, Jim, only then will you believe this is real?  Well the fucking Courant would have been nice, wouldn’t it?  Sure, but – don’t even start – what about – please don’t – I just wanna know – let it be – maybe send a letter to the OB Rag then, Jims, and don’t worry about it.