a telenovela

Probably the most difficult part of being President of these United States, and for the citizens during the four-year term from Jan 2025 to Jan 2029 (aside from unnecessary specificity like that), is my current feeling (or, dare say: “position”), regarding Executive Orders.

I don’t like them.

Maybe this is one of the reasons someone would consider me a “crazy” person, but, it would seem to me that if one is exercising their full power, not necessarily that legitimately granted to them, they could exercise executive authority for just about whatever the fuck they please.

That doesn’t sit well with me.

Cause I sure as fuck know the kind of things I would do if granted that type of authority, case in point being my press release about being a “danger to others,” because I’d feel almost compelled to send federally-funded individuals to observe-by-force to ensure that my first executive order was enforced, which would be related to forced psychiatric drugging (and other practices like ECT).  The second executive order would most certainly be related to ending slavery at the federal level.

While these are wonderful ideas, let’s start with the first, which is the one gearing me up for a trip to the mental hospital on Inauguration Day.

How do you really feel about having American soldiers (or federal agents, Jim?) perpetually securing these mental health facilities throughout your Presidency, your highness, after your executive order expires and a new administration takes over?

Not so fucking good.

And, you know we agree with you now, wouldn’t it be more fair for the entire country to back ideas of this magnitude instead of one little guy sitting in a room somewhere… kinda like a Constitutional amendment?  Ok, fine, do your thing…

Well, the trouble is that right now, every single fucking state has their own law saying arguably the same damn thing: if you’re a danger to yourself and others, and are considered to be ‘mentally ill’, you are fucked.  So that means at same point in time they all individually (at least as states) came to each have a system that says, “ya, that sounds great, lock ‘em up and psychiatrize them in the most cost-effective way possible,” so it kinda feels like it may take just one scapegoat president to pass a fucking executive order just ending this fucking w-r.  Can’t even type it now, can you?

I’d sure rather live in a country where it was decided by the people instead of one just ass hole with a typewriter.

So this is where you’re going to remind everyone you’re vetoing every single bill that comes across your desk (or email, wtf, dude, we’re running you for President right now!) – yes – AND – that’s with the intention of compelling, not forcing, everyone to get along and agree on something… and that brings with it the desire to unbundle all the issues by having a whole cast of independents in the House and Senate that should shuffle the deck enough so that anything can be voted on without being attached to other bullshit, to unbundle the voting process to people can actually be represented ?  That’s the idea… however, you already know my next line of bullshit: I legitimately can’t do a fucking thing, it’s up to not just people to vote for independents, but for other crazy as fucks like myself to take the chance to run for office, and then you could have a fully independent Congress, and (wishfully) you’d never have to worry about your shit getting tangled up in a web.

So, no executive orders, and vetoing everything – yes, remind them that means 2/3, it’s 2/3 to surpass the President’s veto, and, yep, 3/4 for a Constitutional Amendment – so, basically, “let freedom ring,” you might say?

One would hope, but there’s other subjects, both of which are pretty uncomfortable for a white dude who never served in the military: slavery still being legal in the U.S. Constitution and the possibility of a w-r (with whom? Who the fuck are you worried about having a war with that you won’t even attribute the word to yourselves) – anyone?  Hopefully not everyone?  I am a bit all or none, and so my position would have to be none… and if necessary, then none of us want to read anywhere what that means.  And what about the Ukraine?  I’ve never been there and I don’t even know the “appropriate” term to use to describe a region, or place, or people, or culture, or nation, or state, without something more than a fucking tv/internet/maybe-just-about-anything-other-than-being-there-for-something-this-fucking-important-really.  Well, for Fuck’s sake, at least don’t say you are supporting Putin.  Well, shouldn’t it be supporting “Russia,” not the leader?  Do the people of Russia wants this shit?  Who the fuck wants a war?  There had to be a time before this was a war and was anything so fucking problematic at that time that people took arms on their own and did something?  What is the trigger you are referring to here?  I don’t know, and I’m not sure we’re even allowed to know, so, I guess this is where someone thinks you’re taking the Kanye defense, but if you don’t believe we’re allowed to know everything, how is it a fair question to make you take public stances prematurely?  Might not be “fair” but it sure does seem like a reasonable question if you’re going to be the next President.  Then, we already know, you’re gonna say, “What’s you’re specific question about Ukraine?”  “Do you want to know my feelings about something?  All you gotta do is ask me my feelings and get me talking about whatever subject it is you’re asking me about, and, now I’ve got feelings… if I don’t know about something, it’s hard for me to have feelings… but what exactly do you want or expect me to do as President of these United States when I literally just told you that it’d take 2/3 of Congress to get me to go to war, and if we do, then fuck it, cause apparently that’s what 2/3 of the country really wants… though if you want me to take some executive action, if you all fuck this up, I suppose I can go live in the rain out in Ireland, cause if there’s something going on that 2/3 of the country wants us to actually declare a war over, well, fuck, we’ve already lost…. Though probably not the war.

I’m almost glad we have something like slavery to talk about now that we’ve got that written down (finally) somewhere.

We’ve rattled our brains too.  What do you want to say publicly about it without having ever been in prison?

I hate to say it, but the answer to that would have to be everything, because I’m either going to say nothing or everything – and that’s why we love and hate you so much, Jim Flannery, and you know that now too.

Just save the tears… community service is a wonderful alternative to being locked the fuck up, and I don’t know any other way to use the written word to describe community service other than to say it’s basically, in the case of criminal courts, using slavery as an alternative to incarceration (which – surprise says the ladybug in your ear right now, can also include forced labor).  So, now what the fuck do you wanna do, rake leaves at the school yard and go home at the end of the day or do the exact same fucking thing while being locked the fuck up at night. <I guess thank Kanye for allowing you to interject in these things to add remarks like “What about paying a fine instead of jail time or community service?  Or are you just going to say paying a fine is slavery too?”>

I’d have to ask, at what expense, to myself and the community, this is all really worth… do you just need the leaves raked?  Cause if there is any financial incentive whatsoever for finding someone guilty (or even offering so-called plea-deals) then you’re corrupt as fuck.

So how can we eliminate financial incentives from the criminal justice system?  I suppose a good start would be ending slavery.

That sounds nice, but what about community service?

I don’t know, but I just hate living in a country that takes so much fucking pride in ending slavery while continuing to perpetuate it.

And you know some states have taken their own measures to end slavery in them?

So why aren’t you checking to see if slavery is legal in the very state where you’re sitting right now?

I may already know the answer… and does that necessarily matter right now?

You already know it might.

Well, if you wanna get into that subject, we’ll have to start discussing the tradeoffs between being incarcerated in a mental health facility for being allegedly insane and being incarcerated in a prison.  That seems like a separate discussion, since this is suppose to be about how I’m not going to pass a single executive order during my Presidency, and, yep, somewhere in here, Jim, you’ve got to display some evidence that this is a pillar of strength instead of some weak ass bullshit because if we do have to go to war, we’re going to have to fuck some people up… because apparently that’s the only way that we’ve invented so far.  So unless you found some special codes in those Richard Feynman letters you were reading, this is literally the best we can do – signed not your friends at the N.S.A., Jim, just some people who wish you wouldn’t write shit like this and post it to your blog immediately, at least not that… though, you guessed it, we expect you will now – and now they know what we know – nice try, we’re still alive too [timestamp].


EDIT #1 (thus far):  It’s a nice idea to simplify it and just say: “I won’t be a dictator” (as if that’s the only thing you’d become if you let loose and went all willy nilly’ on those executive orders).

EDIT #2 (caught us with this one two): See the Kanye thing above, just don’t refer to it as a rant.

Both edits were almost immediate, please don’t start holding yourself to your previous standards just cause you’re too shy to be so direct I guess?  What do you want to call it?  People basically view us as fucking aliens, man, alive, what the fuck have we just begun here?  Don’t like it much, do ya, well how the fuck do you think we all feel?  Not so swell, not so freaking swell.  But what else can we do?  I guess Jimmy fucking Flannery for president, once again, nigga.

EDIT #3 (is this an FAQ now?) this one’s 2/8/2023 (I think we all know you might as well start keeping track of your rebuttals to this algorithm somewhere): We have already started looking up other Presidents who issued zero executive orders, saw the dude who died like a month into office, noticed there’s a handful of 1’s and maybe even some 2’s… so what gives?  You want to know about the CRPD, don’t you?  If Jim Flannery won’t sign off on any bills, what about things like the CRPD, Jim, yes, Jim, the Convention for the Rights of Persons with Disabilities that Obama put his John Hancock on?  I guess, since I’ve only got 4 years, and the only thing anyone thinks I give a fuck about is involuntary psychiatry, you might think you’ve got me here.  So, what are we supposed to do?  Maybe laugh that I just did that.  And now that we are done laughing and want an answer?  Check the Senate.  Then check the roulette wheel at Caesar’s or some shit like that, right?