FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

 

Flannery’s Husband Takes Over
No Tears to Shed

Washington, D.C. | August 21, 2023 – Today marks the first day of a new Jim Flannery: me.  Since this reporter has apparently walked away from “Flannery for President,” you’ll be getting your news from this nigga right here from now on, and, admittedly, I can’t write for shit.  That being said, I’ll do my best for you as that’s what Jim always strived for.

Let’s start with the facts:

  • Jim Flannery was murdered at Connecticut Valley Hospital yesterday
  • For a silver lining, at least Jim’s able to hang out with his best friend Mikey Sullivan again
  • Jim’s wife would prefer to not be bothered by people contacting her regarding the matter
  • Jim’s undocumented husband just got a legitimate identity (yay!)
  • While many seem to believe that the “unnamed assailant” responsible for Jim’s murder was a psychiatrically incarcerated resident of Connecticut Valley Hospital, it’s no surprise that “many” have falsely blamed the innocent when, in fact, a fucking doctor killed him

First and foremost, I’d be rude not to acknowledge that Jim’s murder was a travesty.  I’d also be dishonoring his legacy if I didn’t point out that his murder is your fault.

Your apathy toward the actions of the mental health systems throughout the United States is to blame.

I am willing to take some responsibility; perhaps I didn’t do enough for him.  That’s a tough pill to swallow in the wake of his murder.  Yet it appears I was the only one helping at all, so I can either blame myself for not being enough, or blame all of you for being big fucking nothings.  Until I inherited Jim’s passport and social security number, I was an undocumented American with little ability to exist in the public spotlight.  I did everything I could to support that motherfucker in his battle with our country’s mental health system.  He never complained about my not being enough, but he complained plenty about all of you.  And you let him down.  All of you let this happen.

Now you are free to return to basking in the glory of our mental health system being just the way you like it: quietly killing as many of us as possible without Jim Flannery’s attempts to obstruct its path of destruction.  Please at least appreciate the reduction in traffic on your interstates and the shorter lines at your grocery stories in remembrance of him.

With regards to any allegations toward my dead husband that involves a team of muppets “fucking shit up” at the National Alliance on Mental Illness headquarters in Arlington, how could I know anything about that?  If Jim was involved with any muppets, I would have likely known about it, and, as far as I know, my late husband was just a fan of anime pornography involving fictional fist-fucking, so perhaps those who have misunderstood him should do their homework before passing judgment.  As for the money owed to him by NAMI, I suppose this is going to be an awkward one between his wife and I.  Lauren, I’ll wrestle ya for it.  My guess is that if you get the dough, you’ll be far more responsible than I with it, however, I don’t think that’s what Jim would have wanted.  He would have liked to see every last penny of that money be put towards the Killian-Flannery Debate on outpatient psychiatric commitment.

As for anyone has an issue with a dead Jim Flannery showing up to the debate, not to worry: it’ll just be little ole’ me.  If you think we look alike, calm yourself, Jim was justly in love with himself and married a dude that looks just like him.  If only we could all be so lucky.  As for me, one might say the same, though that would be quite unoriginal.

 

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