FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
New York Shows Up for Flannery
No Foul Play Suspected
Albany, Ny. | July 23, 2023 – Late this evening, U.S. Presidential candidate Rev. James Patrick Sebastian Flannery discovered a cryptic note in his Massachusetts apartment delivering the news about his name being added to the New York ballot. While New York is believed to have posed a challenge for Flannery due to unshakeable fears surrounding traumatic events taking place on their interstate in early 2021, a team of municipal workers who can probably never park their vehicles at Turning Stone Casino after the publishing of this release is understood to have handled the incredible feat of delivering the requisite signatures to the state capital in Albany on Flannery’s behalf.
“Absolutely nothing to do with the Buffalo mafia at all, I mean, New York’s candidate petitions require signatures to be from throughout the state, this is bigger than Buffalo. As for the integrity of the names provided, how can you not trust people this fucking generous,” Flannery said with a tearful laugh before expressing his gratitude, “So thank you, from the bottom my cold, dark heart for making this the easiest state we’ve grabbed yet. To think, I once thought these creepy fucks following me around wanted to kill me and now they hand-deliver concrete evidence that they’ve been looking after me this whole time.”
While I too would like a copy of this fucking letter right now or to at least be told it has something more than a Jewish joke and “you’re good in New York” written on it for Fuck’s sake, we may just be stuck waiting till July 25 for the big reveal, despite the excitement of what is being referred to as a “pre-777” miracle. Regretfully, this reporter’s been informed that Flannery just vaporized the note with his primitive ass kitchen quantum mechanics kit, reminding us all never to start fires we cannot put out.
###