FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Flannery Ejected from Canadian Casino for Cheating
Retains Winnings, Umbrella, Suitcase, Pitching Wedge, and Magnets
Ottawa, Ont. | June 3, 2023 – American psychiatric refugee, James Flannery, was ejected from a Niagara Falls casino for cheating late last night after pretending to urinate under a roulette table while being in the possession of multiple magnets. At the admonition of repulsed passersby, Flannery insisted he be offered a can of Sunkist orange soda and a bag of Haribo gummy bears (twin snakes beheld ‘till the third arrives) for his hardship, before apprehensively sharing what remained of a glass of water with his disgusted audience. As an expression of gratitude from the fact that none of his new neighbors died from poisoning, he rejoiced, and offered to communicate publicly for the first time as a Canadian resident without mentioning at all whether or not he’d been thrown out of nicer places.
“Hardly a crime at all, for fuck’s sake, everyone with a debit or credit card is walking around with magnets in their pockets, I’m a god-damned victim here,” Flannery shared via a traditional toe-tapping technique known only to clowns of indecent descent. While the Alcohol and Gaming Commission of Ontario will be pleased to know that Flannery will not be returning to their gaming venues, the inclusion of magnets being in his possession verifies previous reports of gaming-related misconduct in the United States. Flannery has been under investigation for gaming fraud by the United States Federal Trade Commission since 2014 following reports of suspicious behavior from the Nevada Bureau of Gambling Control, the Connecticut Division of Special Revenue, and the Alcohol and Gaming Commission of California.
Since no one but his Canadian refugee application representative “L N” has been in contact with Flannery since he entered Canada, his whereabouts at this time remains unknown, however, his appearance is fully expected at next weekend’s Canadian Open, preferably as a leaderboard-leading participant. In exchange for his implied absence, Flannery’s support clown(s) also withdraw, though one may or may not be able to see them after all, standing on opposites sides of the tee box, just off-camera.
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