And Then There Were None?

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

And Then There Were None?
Jimmy Flannery’s Bid for Governorship Foiled

Hartford, Conn. | June 14, 2026 – Since the treacherous road to residency at the Governor’s Mansion requires a balancing act of supreme proportion, it would be a crime of sincere proportion not to announce that all existing copies of signatorial documents for the “Jimmy Flannery for Governor” campaign must be destroyed immediately as all were declared retroactively invalid at the stroke of a timely pen from Connecticut’s Director of Elections on Friday. While some may agree with this reporter that such precious paper should be preserved for posterity, it is now evident that keeping retroactively invalid gubernatorial petition documents for a candidate absent a Lieutenant Governor’s name as a sincere souvenir of ‘what could have been’ may be misunderstood as a criminal act should said documents be found on a person if they dropped dead from a papercut while rifling through the stack of signatures they’d obtained and were therefore unable to explain to those investigating their sudden death that Jimmy Flannery is nothing more than a clown. As for what Jimmy Flannery has to say now that the buffoonery’s epic plan has finally resulted in the premature death of every single clown (including himself) behind the now-historic campaign to end involuntary electroshock treatment in Connecticut and beyond:

So this whole thing is done after I stop talking here? Cause, well, fuck me, too late for that…   I guess it’s time for: hey this is ellen, I’m an undercover cop, has anyone seen Jim Flannery? But we can’t all die, I mean, you’re this reporter, you’re a clown that’s been involved in the campaign, and you can’t die with this thing, so, sure, the clown master is keeping you around for the children or something, okay, and you want a legit closing line for the whole campaign right now? Fucking Christ, why now? Its mid-fucking-June and we just got this fucking email from whoever the fuck? Goddamnit. Fine, final last words of Jimmy Flannery: And if all the clowns have to die after this sentence, then exactly what is going to happen to the Reverend James Patrick Flannery’s prayer?

Since only we know whether or not the Reverend James Patrick Flannery was a clown or not a clown, we can at least preserve the integrity of the sacred Clown Gods by acknowledging that though Jimmy Flannery may be disallowed from becoming the next Governor, at least it still remains legal to be a clown.

###