FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
The End of Involuntary Electroshock in Connecticut
Connecticut Lawmakers Held Accountable
Greenfield, Ma. | May 1, 2026 — Chief Counsel for the Connecticut Office of the Probate Court Administrator Heather L. Dostaler – the starting shortstop who failed once again to appear for clown duty at today’s May Day Marathon – was on the receiving end of a hat-trick masterminded courageously through em dash and white trash by Reverend James Patrick Flannery, allowing for the unveiling of what cannot be described as anything short of stopping this sentence right now before using the word monsterpiece. A quote from Your Saintliness?
Now allow me to introduce this thing now that you made it fucking obvious we did or did not write this at Poet’s Seat Tower. Sure, just before midnight or so or 10:10 or 11:11 or whatever it is on Friday, May 1st. Happy Mayday to you too, nigga. And this little letter consecrated by yours truly, an honest man ordained by none other than the non-denominational Universal Life Church Monastery. And nobody at the state will get this thing until they return to work on Monday. And upon their return, all the Connecticut probate judges receiver their orders and have to disclose to all individuals on the receiving end of forced shock hearings – at least at their hearing – that if they sincerely believe in Saint James Patrick, then they are exempt from forced shock as the Great State of Connecticut has already both formally and publicly declared that his prayer alone is sufficient to heal any and every psychiatric condition. Yes, the fucking C.G.S. Chapter 319i Sec. 17a-543(i), and just so make sure people fucking get it: may the Fourth be with you.
Whatever the fuck that just was, this reporter is as disappointed as you are that her favorite clown chose to drop this thing on Friday, May 1st instead of waiting until May 7th so our devout readers would laugh at the state legislators attempt to change their own law in zero days instead of two days, but, the art of watching anyone believe a law can be passed in Connecticut in two days is far more magnificent than laughing about electroshock treatment — and since there’s not a joke to be found in whatever Reverend Flannery sent the Great State of Connecticut’s fiercest roadblock — as long as he signed the fucking this as James P Flannery and not Lucky Nigger — this thing will work.
####