How to Clown the Fuck Out of the Connecticut Mental Health System in Seven Simple Days
by Jim Flannerys
First and foremost, thank you to all those who called and wrote in support of the real Jim Flannery while we were all entangled in Connecticut’s state mental health laws.
Well, we made it out, my headmates and I, at least that’s what I can’t ever say in public. The only thing I could ever legally say about our visit to the psych ward at Middlesex Hospital is that I’m not Jim Flannery at all, since that’s the secret to clowning these clownfuckers.
Since I’m no longer legally Jim Flannery, that means, I am no longer “psychiatrically disabled” because that Jim Flannery must no longer exist. Apparently, he is at least a person diagnosed with having bipolar affective disorder with psychotic features. Note that these are features, not bugs. I’m a jest ass hole, like him too, though we’re both likely saddened by the death of my twin brother, and if my twin brother is dead, probably, that means, technically, it’s likely that the so-called “real”/”legal” Jim Flannery must be dead too. So while you mourn the loss of one of my brothers, we mourn them as well.
On a less somber note, the blessing of the final letter of such a long-winded diagnosis is a cause for celebration, and possibly another letter (or blog post as apparently this is called by default now). Though obviously I don’t need to bother with diagnosis anymore, since that diagnosis belongs to either the state of Connecticut or the last Jim Flannery, cualquier-cosa.
Back to work… The secret to the clown is to start on Monday to ensure a proper thermostat setting for the following weekend. Speaking of thermostats, dress for jail and/or-or a lifetime trip to Connecticut Valley Hospital (or the Whiting Forensic facility). A trick golf ball or three will help.
Monday: Be sure to visit at least two casinos so that if all else fails, you always claim you were having a so-called manic episode. Arrive to any open mic that is streaming their event to the internet. Be sure to park out front because nobody would do that. Leave the keys and me best fucking headphones ever made under the passenger side floor mat. Perform, eloquently as possible, while keeping three sheets to the wind, as well as three balls, no strikes, and smoke a cigarette at the end. They will call the police, who will then call mobile crisis, who (oddly enough) will have an LCSW make a tough call: to have this person sent to an emergency department on a 36 hour certificate (72 is typical and usually with a psychiatrist making the call, but cualquier-cosa). If you are instead arrested by the police, it is best to walk your own ass to jail because you clearly deserved. If, instead, you are to be taken to the emergency department to receive a thorough psychiatric evaluation, nobody in their right mind would walk their ass in there… so to ensure that you are presenting as sane, do not walk, instead, permit them to carry you like the royalty you are. (Note of gratitude to Middletown police and/or the mobile crisis team for using seat belts for the restraints, they didn’t make us feel like we were being restrained at all). Plan to spend the night.
Tuesday: You’ll be seen by, surprise, another LCSW (as if they don’t have psychiatrists on staff for supposed emergencies… sounds like the same thing as the heart docs in San Diego). they’ll give what apparently is as thorough a psychiatric evaluation as money can buy since this is Connecticut (as well as their most liberal city). Be sure to begin early on by replying with “Why the fuck would any individual person in these united states answer that?” This is to ensure they don’t find anything unusual about your response to the question “Do you hear voices?” If they at all imply you are thinking of harming your self or others, feel free to say nothing at all about how they just planted the exact fucking thought in your head that they just asked you to expose to them – secret of the pros – just start off answering with “Why the fuck would any individual person in these united states submit to a psychiatric evaluation?” – that should suffice for everything… including, but not limited to, your date of birth. The LCSW will slap on cualquier-cosa diagnosis they damn well please (Not to worry, you don’t even need to have a diagnosis, they just need to believe you do) and extend your 36 hours to 15 days (starting with 72 and bumping to 10 would be expected I suppose) and you’ll soon be taken to your new quarters in the psych ward. Fear not, there are others like you there.
Wednesday: You’ll wake up in your new room, assuming your were humble enough to keep your mouth shut about all the bullshit happening in the common spaces (if there are any). Expect to be visited by two psychiatrists, the first of whom will be the one you want to skullfuck the most when you walk out on Day 6. Commit their name to memory, though you’ll want to forget it later. The second will seem mostly harmless, as if there’s just some second person checking in for no apparent reason, they’ll be the one who nobody gives a fuck about. If you weren’t offered a petition to get the fuck out of this place by the LCSW, you should ask for one by now. Whatever name is written on the bracelet they put on you in the emergency department will work, and they’ll have put a birth date on their for you. One would assume to sign everything with cursive since no person pretending to be sane would be expected to fit sign language on a sheet of paper.
Thursday: You’ll be doing a whole lot of nothing. Fill your time by making phone calls. Have the toll-free phone number for MindFreedom International memorized: 1-877-MAD-PRIDE -> beware some phones in mental hospitals may twerk on ya if you include the “E” and you may also need to ask how to reach an outside line on the hospital’s phone system (9 typically works). When you reach MindFreedom, tell them what happened to you, and they can begin the process of launching a Shield campaign. After, and only after you’re done speaking with MindFreedom, call anyone and everyone and chat for as long as humanly possible. If you’re in a common space, be as loud as you want, why would they ever hold anything against you because they put all the phones in a community space where everyone can here (for fuck sake, you’re a prisoner here… just accept it). Be forewarned some phones only allow local calls, which may or may not include blocking toll free numbers. Not to worry, since you’re in a mental hospital in Connecticut (as well as most states), the law requires them to allow you to make the calls, and the bill is always on them.
Today’s also a big day because you’ll probably have your “hearing-to-get-the-fuck-out”, though it may have happened Wednesday if they were gentle and offered you the “petition-to-get-the-fuck-out” after the 36-hour certificate was signed. They may have waited till the 10-day got slapped on ya. But the early timing of that bad boy is critical since they owe you a hearing within 72 hours of requesting the hearing…. Then again, they’re mandated to provide you with due process for the hearing and they don’t, so don’t expect much from them (and don’t worry about the hearing, you are going to anyway – just get it on the calendar as early as possible). By the way, if you see old man Marino at the hearing, let him know that he can’t ever send Jim Flannery to CVH because Jim Flannery was already banned from CVH.
Friday: Today should be the most fun you’ll ever have in your life, unless you’ve ever gotten to witness your brother draw a 7-iron while playing barefoot at St. Andrew’s in New York. Psychiatrist number three will arrive to visit today (unless we count any “extras” present at your hearing). Lucky psychiatrist number 3 is here to evaluate you for “meds against will” (as they refer to it in Connecticut). Since numero uno and dos have gotten a consistent view of you, clown the fuck out of this person. This is specially effective when they bring security guards with them (hats off to the overflowing bravery of the other psychiatrists to enter the room solo) as they are effectively bearing witness to a free donkey show at the expense of god knows who. The exit tickets are to tell them that you are not who they think you are and that someone is surely going the fuck to jail for all this but that you sure as fuck ain’t getting forcibly drugged over a piece of performance art designed to cualquier-cosa the mental health system.
I’m not sure if you want to mention this to MindFreedom or anyone at all, but here goes anyways: this Clown Act with Lucky #3 creates a legal liability pickle between this third-party psychiatrist and the first two representing the hospital. They simply cannot begin torturing you if you are (1) clearly not the person they think you are and (2) obviously do not belong there at all since it was a clown fart.
After they leave, expect them to move forward with the “meds against will” since that’s they’re safest immediate move, and get back on the horn with MindFreedom to let them know the “meds against will” (aka “forced drugging”) process has begin. If they’re going for ECT or insulin coma therapy, please don’t denounce your citizenship to Clown University.
Saturday: This can be a crucial day. You should not be expecting to be released from the hospital at all at this point, you should be expecting to be forcibly drugged starting Monday. It’s not a good feeling and it will sit with you. Psychiatrist number four will visit quite unexpectedly given that it’s the weekend. Not much will go on there and there’s not much to say since the Clown Act concluded on Friday and now you’re just chilling.
Don’t be lost in the fears that they’ll begin torturing you on Monday, there’s a possibility they’ll just begin the “process” that day, which may give you an out through a court hearing. That won’t be necessary at all since you’ve already beat the game.
Request some paper and envelopes – just enough. Write a few letters to people around the world, the further away the better. Begin with just a couple, it’s best to do this slowly, don’t ask for too much at one time or they may know what you’re up to.
After they have been given the first 2-3 to be mailed out (that’s all you need for Step 4), they have an obligation to mail them, at which point they’ll stamp them or have them metered and stamped. Either way, they’re fucked.
If you’re wondering how to get the address at Middlesex Hospital in Middletown, I hear Lisa said something about using their television to open a web browser and using the building’s public wifi to surf the web. The embassy has some international addresses that any mental hospital in these great states would be more than happy to ensure gets delivered to its international destination. While you’re doing all this, it’s fun to open up the Connecticut web page specifically detailing the law related to writing letters. Fuck it, here’s a link to Sec. 17a-547, the very statute permitting you to pull the mail heist aspect of the clownification of this system. While you’re at it, here’s a PDF of the not exact fucking letter (exacta Artifact A) that was sent to, “I dunno”, exactly two.
While you’re on the wifi, take a peek at the phone numbers for the local news orgs, just don’t mention that we’re all running for president of these united states or ever write a hip-hop song in your life if you want this poor guy’s own fucking hometown to cover the story. And that nice lady over at the Courant will never believe you dropped her name on stage at the Buttonwood (supposed script included as Artifact B – ButtonwoodScript20230123), afterall, unless you refer to her as that nigga Helen without using quotes around the word while still preserving your integrity as a writer, after all.
Sunday: You’ll arrive to the final day of the weekend, and the final day of our journey, dreading tomorrow as you fear the day of judgment whereupon you will either: be receiving twice daily forced injections (possibly for the rest of your life), or they’ll simply have a sheet of paper filed to plan for a hearing to do so – or both at the same time. Oddly enough, none of that shit will ever happen again at all to anyone, cause this is not the real Jim Flannery here at all. As evidence for sale, he most certainly didn’t wear these underwear for sale, as they were probably not the only pair he was offered (not that he didn’t come prepared with plenty of his own – refer to the ethnic cleansing / strip search for detail), they they will be the only pair selling for $2.4 million on jim-flannery.com unless there’s a re-sale market for this kind of thing (Artifact C). See, I almost clowned you too (except populism is popular with parishes).
I just don’t know what to tell you about Sunday that hasn’t already been said. You simply ask for a shitload of paper and envelopes. They’ll know you now have unlimited spending power out of their non-limitless budget to send letter after letter at their expense.
After it’s all said and done, have the decency to send MindFreedom a thank you letter for the Shield alert and also, hopefully, for providing this tutorial (assuming they’ll publish this).
P.S. I hear the coffee is so great there that they serve it to the allegedly bipolar morning, noon, and night for no apparent reason apparently. (apparently, again)
EDIT 2/3/2023: Since this was some pretty intense/extreme clowning, and also due to the inherent dangerousness that comes with such activities, it’s important to add in the specific Connecticut statute at the focus of the clowniness:
Sec. 17a-502(a). Any police officer who has reasonable cause to believe that a person has psychiatric disabilities and is dangerous to himself or herself or others or gravely disabled, and in need of immediate care and treatment, may take such person into custody and take or cause such person to be taken to a general hospital for emergency examination under this section. The officer shall execute a written request for emergency examination detailing the circumstances under which the person was taken into custody, and such request shall be left with the facility. The person shall be examined within twenty-four hours and shall not be held for more than seventy-two hours unless committed under section 17a-502.
And just for good measure and for no particular reason, of course:
Sec. 17a-543(a). No patient shall receive medication for the treatment of the psychiatric disabilities of such patient without the informed consent of such patient, except in accordance with procedures set forth in subsections (b), (d), (e) and (f) of this section or in accordance with section 17a-543a, 17a-566 or 54-56d.