FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Flannery Arrives to the Canadian Open
Comes Prepared Yet Flees Before the Finish
Toronto, Ont. | June 11, 2023 – American psychiatric refugee and candidate for U.S. President Jim Flannery arrived to the final round of the Canadian Open in Etobicoke this morning to witness history-in-the-making, eyes set on the competitors in fifth, seventh, ninth, and twelfth place. With Flannery(s) resources dwindling and a series of recent fundraising flops amidst the release of two disappointing albi just earlier today, his four-way parlay wager on this afternoon’s finish appeared to be his most promising means of moving forward.
Needless to say, Flannery did not disappoint with his arrival, announcing that he’d burnt his betting slip for the Open to ashes, instead, offering event-goers an opportunity to wager on the U.S. Presidential Election from the remote parking area at nearby Downsview Park.
“Why take the risk of betting on golfers? Anything can happen out there; wind, rain, cold rain, hell, even warm rain on a windy day can throw off even the best player’s round. Meanwhile, there’s a perfectly good candidate for President of those United States standing right here for you to bet on.”
Flannery stood with pitching wedge and umbrella by a suitcase and a sign reading, “Bet on Flannery for U.S. President – 5 to 1” as interested parties were allowed to bet a maximum of $20 CAD to win $100 USD upon Flannery’s improbable election. According to the form that bettors were required to complete when placing their wager, Flannery needed to raise $10,000 CAD in wagers from Canadian Open attendees supporting his election in order to match a pool of individuals in the U.S. who have wagered $50,000 USD in favor of Flannery’s inevitable loss.
Unfortunately for Flannery, members of event security approached him early on, purportedly saying, “We just want to talk.” Flannery, fearing for his life and livelihood, replied, “So don’t we,” apologized, and left the scene, once again de-escalating what could have become yet another instance of police brutality against individuals labelled with psychiatric disabilities. At the time of his departure, Flannery is said to have collected just eight bets, leaving him with few options but to begin taking wagers on his website to reach his $10,000 goal.
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