a telenovela

Why won’t “fore, not 8, just 2 two-too” cut it?  And who says it doesn’t, Jim, your fucking mother?  What the hell is this, some kind of pig rodeo with all your headmates chirping in to critique your work?

Something like that.

Well can we at least pretend your not a fucking moron and at least explain this in simple terms without violating any campaign finance laws at all?

Good question, I sure like you a lot.

You’re a fucking ass hole and I love you and all that, but even I don’t want to give you $1 right now for being such a prick to the police, even IF you think they’d laugh, because they’re laughing at us, cause I’m a fucking voice in your hear right now and some of them are laughing and just because you’re laughing and they’re laughing and you don’t care because you can laugh longer or something doesn’t mean that I don’t die if you stop eating, so be sure to tip your bartenders or waitstaff or whoever’s serving you coffee for this simple fucking explanation.

I thought this was clear, but, I guess, $400,000 a year is the President’s salary, so it may be wise to have the president have that money up-front in case they need to deal with dick-weeds and then additional two years of pay is to ensure that he doesn’t die during the campaign since he’s apparently capped his campaign contributions at $0 after making all these jokes about crashing the election for apparently pennies on the dollar compared to his claim he can run an entire campaign for $5,000 as long as he can eat and sleep somewhere, certainly nothing at all related to an Irish Golf Deal that resulted in him having to split his time between training for the special Olympics (a decision which hopefully won’t involve taking chemicals or surgery just to prove to them you know the difference between sex and gender), and, no, I don’t think anyone thinks the money will go toward surgery, but, hopefully, some time at the driving range so you don’t making a fucking fool of yourself as you represent whatever country it is you think you need to be good enough at everything you do to do too.  Fore!

Sure, Jim, give me a true story to combat your brutal honesty.  I’m just wondering…. About, what?  Any bets you placed on the Presidential election?  Maybe.

And maybe not, Jim, how many of us do you think they think we are?  Or there are?  Don’t even put a second question mark to try and suggest when we switch.  I’m not doing anything you’re not doing.  Oh, now you’re fucking lying to us?  Now, after all this, you fucking ass hole, you are most certainly typing at this computer, Jim, so don’t even play with the public’s feelings like that.  But don’t ya think it’s be nice if they knew there’s a real Jim Flannery and maybe a zillion of you fuckers up there helping out?  Maybe they don’t want to hear there’s a zillion when there’s an actual concrete number of us who you’ve interacted with, don’t you keep track, nigga?  I wasn’t counting necessarily, once it got beyond a certain point, why keep track by numbers when you’re all fucking entities for realsies and not numbers, that’s just great.  Just great… The bet on the election.  Yes… who took the bait?  The bet?  No, the bait.  I said the bet.  Yes, you said the bet, but I said, or, dare we say, we said, the bet.  Fuck it.  What what?  Damnit.  Don’t even try…. The $800k, ya, Jim, sure, the $800k, who’s on first now, nigga?

One might say this started with an honest wager at 800,000:1 and, upon certain principles being applied, the odds shifted to 2.4 million to 1.

So what we’re really talking about is or isn’t a gambling debt that is a pile of three 800,000:1 bets lost?


You could think of it as 400,000:1, I’d kinda appreciate it if you did.  However, it’s clearly a challenge to convince someone you’re a 400,000:1 dog when they don’t even take you seriously at 800,000 to 1 or even 2.4 million to 1.

So, you nailed it, let’s just start laying 1:1 bets and assume you’re the favorite.  If we can just get some folks in Vegas (or abroad?  Sure, Jim, “abroad” is fine with me too) to start laying bets at 1:1, and what dumbfuck wouldn’t take that since nobody’s ever heard of Jim Flannery, yep, hell, I’d take that bet… you’re telling me if Jim Flannery doesn’t become President of these United States, I get a dollar?  Sure, you just gotta give me $1 right now, and I’ll hold onto it until Inauguration Day, and then, if he isn’t President, I’ll give you an extra dollar back.

And where you getting that extra dollar, cause if you’re getting that extra dollar from some dumbfucks who laid bets on the other side of the table for Jim Flannery to become President, then I’d start thinking you’re a bookkeeper.  So as long as you’re just playing with your own money, or, I certainly hope you’re not leveraging yourself too far (::checks notes::) $2.4 million you don’t say?  So you’re telling me right now you’ll take me up on $2.4 million with 1 to 1 odds that you’ll win, I’ve just gotta give you the dough?


And the dough?  You’re gonna tell me it’s in the freezer, right, Jim?

I certainly wouldn’t say there was actual money in my fucking freezer, dude, what kind of animal do you think I am?

I don’t like being called an animal just cause I keep my money in the freezer –

And you know why it’s in the freezer?

Cause niggers like you clearly won’t ever look in the freezer for my fucking money.

OK, that’s great, Jim, there goes our fucking $2.4 million dollars.

And what makes you think you know what black people want?

Well, if they convince 2/3 of the Congress to do something related to reparations, they can have cualquier-cosa they want and maybe then we’ll all move on?  And the native Americans?  Dude, I don’t even like using the phrase “native Americans” anymore, then what should we say, you already know I’m gonna say, don’t bother with any of them except the Mohegans cause they’re the only winners in all this for not betting with you, sure, not necessarily, no, why can’t the native people of this land have some fun with their sacred clown without you getting so uncomfortable?  Because they’re the only people at the NSA who know how to pronounce the acronym without an interpreter.

Please don’t worry, Jim, just promise if you’re gonna do anything involving COVID-covered popcorn that you’ll use gummy bears instead (for all the obvious reasons?) sure.  You know I don’t like talking about COVID anymore than I like talking about people getting forced injections, don’t you?  We know.