a telenovela

You’re beginning to admire our questions, aren’t you, Jim.

No question about it.

Thanks you too, nigga.

Or is it “thanks, you too, nigga”?

Doesn’t matter, Jim, just a fucking question and a mark.

You’re a fucking mark.

You’re a mark too, nigga, now can we please just answer these nice people’s question?

I’m stuck –

–on whether or not that apostrophe belongs after the “s”?

You bet.

We do too, every now and again, Jims.

Fuck it.

Great – so is climate change real?

How could I know that?

That’s not the question we’re actually asking, Jim.

What do you want to know?



Can we just talk about the water?

The water?

The fucking water.

OK, so, cualquier-cosa nigga we’re either water protectors or we aren’t, right?

That’s a great way to put it, thank you two.

You’re an ass hole for stealing our good questions and turning them into statements, you know that, right?

You tell me – are you a water protector or not?

I’d rather be anything else than the person answering that question right now, Jim, so let Jims describe something else.

How could it be that every individual doesn’t have a non-zero environmental impact?  Just by being a human being, we’re all suspect.

Of what?


Is that why you put your cigarette butts back in the box – even though – even though my ass, Jim, they’re cigarette butts and you know it.

Is that what you call them?

That’s what you call them.

I don’t want to see cigarette filters all over ground any more than you do, even if, Jim, even if they are made of cellulose.

Wanna know about the cellulose filters?

I might, just don’t tell me we can get some cellulase enzymes, put it all in a bowl together and eat these fucking things.

The cellulose filters on the cigarettes were supposedly part of a study and found to provide no health benefits whatsoever to their users, however, the intriguing thing, is they apparently don’t filter our nitric oxide.

Nitric oxide?

Yeah, nitric oxide, where do you think the voices in your head come from?

That may explain what happened with Mary Maddock, I just hope you’re not accidently outing her as a voice hearer right now.

How could I do that?  They zapped the fuck out of her brain so many times and I would have to presume that those zap machines work, so even if she did hear voices, there’s no way she still does.

Well you at least outed her as a cigarette smoker?

How do you know we’re not talking about weed?

Weed or mota?

Fuck you, and go test the nitric oxide in the mota on your own next time your on holiday, ok?

She wasn’t getting nitric oxide from cigarettes, as far as I know, she was given nitric oxide to deal with the pain of child birth.

Well then fuck me if you think they gave her so much nitric oxide that she birthed both a child as well as a village of leprechauns in her head.

What do you think her leprechauns would think if she knew your leprechauns were writing about her.

I just said I don’t fucking know if she has leprechauns too, though if she did ever have leprechauns and those cucks in Ireland took them away from her, I’d be unapologetic too.

For what?

For whatever it is that I did to get vengeance on them for taking away my fucking village.

Your village?

Isn’t it our village?

Well, what are you going to do about it?

We’re not going to do anything about it, Jim, that’s why we’re trying to help.

‘Cause you can’t?

Of course we can’t, nigga, we’re voices in your head, unless you want us to do some of that crazy shit you hear about other voice hearers supposedly experience, because we don’t know about anyone’s experience but yours, which is ours now, nigga, too.  I know you don’t know.  Don’t worry.

This is supposed to be about climate change, right?

And we’re not supposed to use supposed to’s too, Jim.

Whatever, right?

Whatever, Jim.

Wish I had some music at this very moment to listen too.

We do too, so you’d keep helping us.


Who, you?

No, Jim, just put it plain and simple:

I don’t know anything special about climate change, but we all have an inherent responsibility to do something instead of nothing since we’re all just fucking human beings who, without doing anything at all, would obviously fuck this place up eventually.

How much are we supposed to do?

No fucking idea, but at least nothing, please don’t do nothing, just, at least, and this might be a big fucking at least, but at least accept that human beings collectively have an impact on our environment and that the only thing worse than a simple statement like that is emphasizing that the collective is the sum of the individuals even if there are some big cocksuckers and some little cocksuckers, though, if I didn’t know any better, we could spend a lot of time pitting the handful of big cocksuckers against the little cocksuckers without doing a damn thing, and have a nice day.

Good enough for us, Jim.

The “eventually” part is why you don’t want to answer this question, right?

Something like that.

If it’s eventually, we’re all doomed.

I wouldn’t believe that, would you?

I might.

Depends when you asked me.

What year is it, Jim?


EDIT: It might be special to know that “we” (and that’s a big “we”) supposedly did some fancy shit with the o-zone layer (in the ‘90s, Jim, or did it happen in the ’80s and ‘90s so you don’t have to actually answer such an invalid question), which does indicate humans can fuck shit up and possibly even patch it up before mom and dad get home and whoop their ass.

EDIT 2: Can we now “what do you mean by ‘climate change’” right now?  Does the air seem fine to you, Jim?  Right now?  Not in Visalia, Jim, right here, in Massachusetts.  Air seems fine to me.  How about the water?  Water seems fine to me too.  So now that we’re not, you guessed it, in Flint, Michigan for an awards ceremony related to water, Jim, why don’t we say something about whether or not climate change is real, just anything, Jim.  I sure as fuck don’t want to be the one responsible for fucking up the entire planet?  So, eco-fascism?  Is that it?  Or some libertarian popsicle stick riddle you found while picking trash?  I was not picking trash, I was merely placing trash delicately and it may have given the illusion I was looking for something in particular to pick, when all I was doing was looking for a particular place to place.  First place?  Always first, unless your last.  Fuck you too.  Because of climate change?  Yes, Jim, okay, finally.

Finally, you see, Jim, that there could be treaties related to climate change.  Do they need to use that language?  Yes, Jim, that’s what they need to call it because what do you want to call it?  Got me on that one.  Finally?  Finally got me there.  So are we going to sign a treaty related to climate change, because you know you can sign any treaty you want and then it’s signed by these United States of America before it gets punted over to Congress to actual do something that leads to its ratification, right?

You already know my answer, though.

Do we?

At this moment, you might.

I might say the same thing about this that I might say about anything of this nature, if it’s such a great fucking idea, why don’t we implement this shit regardless of being a part of a treaty.  If we’re this strong, independent nation that won’t be told what to do, or country or cualquier-cosa you want to refer to this place as, then you could do wonderful things without ever being a part of a global agreement to be great.  See, the CRPD warped your fucking brain, Jim.  Maybe not.

Say the same thing about the Green New Deal without reading it thoroughly and I might agree with you more.

I didn’t say anything about these things being good ideas or bad ideas, we know, Jim, even that, even that too.

If these ideas are so incredible, and I would imagine that would be so due to technology upgrades and jobs, sure, then the main reason not to do them would be the cost and possibly even the harm this new shit could case.  You already fucked us with the two-parter there – not really – cause this is, America, Jim, right?  And if these ideas are so fucking wonderful, and these documents are publicly accessible, then any George Soros type would just look at the document and say, fuck it, I’ll just fund these ambitious projects and get richer along the way?  If the problem is the cost, that could be a particular solution, sure.  And the part where these ideas are potentially harmful?  This is America, nobody gives a fuck.  Nobody gives a fuck?  Sure.  If someone like your friend George Soros (not my friend, by the way, Jim, not my friend at all) funds these projects, there may not be much in the way of these ideas causing harm – if – if, what, Jim – there’s no regulations in place.

Oh, well, fuck it all, then, Jim, fuck it all, if you want regulations in place.

You already know, so you’re fucking with me too.

Know what, Jim?

Some parts of the Green New Deal may or may not include regulations on things that already exist.

So where does freedom ring now?

Fortunately, if these things are so dangerous, you could just stop reading now and ignore your federal government entirely and just focus on your own state and controlling things at the state level if that’s what you want.


Why stop there?

How about your county?  Or your town/city/whatever-you-know-there’s-many?

And do what?

For example, if you live in Visalia and you think cow farts are causing the end of humanity on Earth, maybe get them to kill all the cows – or – at least stop feeding them.

Where are we supposed to get our milk from now, nigga?

You can squeeze an almond till the blood drains from your brain to the extent that you call the shit that squirts you in your eyes milk.  Almond milk is pretty good, nigga.  It’s alright.  Alright?  Just alright?  Dude, I really don’t know as much about health and nutrition as you may want, I could die any day now.  From almond milk?  Nigga, from writing about almond milk.  My almond milk or your almond milk.  Just put down this, Jim, “I don’t know about anyone else’s almond milk any more than Eddie Murphy’s almond milk.”  Well what the fuck do you know about Eddie Murphy’s almond milk that’s making you laugh so much right now, nigga?