a telenovela

Jesus, Muhammad, and Buddha walk into a bar – who takes the photo, when there’s a free chalkboard and easel and, fuck it, chalk as well, sitting right there on the table?  All I know that nigga Mohammed sure as fuck didn’t just paint a picture using a fucking Pac-Man or Pac-Woman (can it just be Pac-Lady, it sounds – I don’t give a fuck how it sounds, it’s Pac-Woman, nigga)  character yet again while introducing us to the Supreme Court of these United States, cualquier-cosa here too, nigga, chomp-chomp-chomp for your kids:   …>)

Now you want to know who I’ll appoint to the Supreme Court if a Someone-out-of-Nine dies while I’m in office?  (or maybe just add some more seats or remove some while you’re at it, nigga) You’d be wondering too, if you were me, and if I were you, I might already know that whoever the fuck I appoint still has to be approved by the Senate, so it’s not really much of an appointment, is it, doofus?

Doofus?  Who the fuck you calling a doofus, nigga?

Definitely not you, if that’s the way you’re going to talk when you get your seat on the Supreme Court.

What seat?

That one Joey Gladstone is going to offer to you just so that people will believe you’re a left-winger, and then you’re all washed up once you either reject it or get shit on by the Senate.

So, what, you think these politicians hand out positions to their opponents to silence opposition?

Whether I think that or not, you just thought it, nigga, so just appoint an independent, over and over again, till they’ve run out of the 1/3 of this country that’s independent and they have to lower the age limit.

You think it’s 1/3?

I think you think it is now, nigga, too, so let’s not worry about the Supreme Court just yet, someone would have to die for you to even need to take on the responsibility of selecting just one and only person ahead of every other motherfucker on the planet, so just let them know you’ll go with an independent without worrying about whether it’s some form of identity politics, because if I know you well enough, you’ll make Eddie Murphy proud and not say anything about a great joke you know about discriminating against people based on their beliefs, and their beliefs alone, being righteous, because we already know discrimination is fucked up even if it’s against people who believe that we are a  psychiatric disability, Jim.  Glad we knew that already, but, can we at least put something here about how it is a belief, and not knowledge, that any of these fucking diagnosis are real?  Real in what way?  Well, they give you a label and when you ask what does that mean, they say “we believe” and then describe some vague metaphor about the brain, but they don’t “know” anymore than you or I do.  So if someone believes that, that very thing, how can we discriminate against them?  Well, and another well, if they ever ask me to make them a wedding cake, I might invite them into my home for tea, and they may end up lying in my bath tub missing a kidney, and that seems like a form of discrimination, especially if somehow word gets around about what an amazing baker Jim Flannery is, and then so many of these cocksuckers start showing up asking for fucking wedding cakes that there’s not enough room in the tub, then we’ve gotta move ‘em into the other room, and I still won’t be able to convince anyone there’s an actual genocide occurring right here in our very land because they’ll be too focused on the one I’m committing in the bathroom (and the other room).

So, you believe that people believe things, which means you also believe things, so there’s not necessarily anything wrong with you saying that you believe in anything every again Jim, just because those so-called cocksuckers believe something that harms so many people, ok?

What if I don’t believe you?

In me or me?

No, damnit, back up and erase that one, can’t, let’s just say that I don’t believe you that I can or should ever say I believe something.

Don’t worry.

If I say I believe something, that could be considered a delusion, just about anything I believe but don’t know would be considered a delusion.

Like what?

Anything, maybe everything.

Maybe everything?

If a delusion is believing something is true that isn’t, then anything I believe but don’t know would be a delusion.

And everything you believe to be false that isn’t false, those are delusions too, Jim?

Then, yes, probably so.

So anything you believe at all, if expressed to another human being, is a delusion.

If I don’t know it, then, legally it is.

Legally? What the fuck are you talking about?

If the laws refer to psychiatric disabilities and psychiatric disabilities are defined entirely within the Diagnostics and Statistics Manual, then that document becomes law, find a word for that for me and you can buy me something.

Buy you what?

I don’t wany anything.

Then I won’t buy you a damn thing.

How about a hug?

Would that help, to hug your fucking self, Jim?  As long as you don’t believe we’re, what?  Real?  Actual voices?  What are you worried about hugging yourself?

I know you are real.

We know you’re real too.

But how can we be real and you be real at the same time?

Cualquier-cosa, nigga, cualquier-cosa.